Different Doesn't Mean Wrong!

Julie Jones
1 minute ago
6 min read

Be careful about judging reality against the future you imagined.

Mindset Made Simple Tip #304 - Watch or listen HERE.

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I sold a minibike this weekend.

And it made me ridiculously sad. Not because I have a particularly deep emotional attachment to minibikes, although I have some pretty great memories of riding one when I was a kid.

This one belonged to Jensen.

When we got it, I had this picture in my head of him riding it all over my parents' property. I thought he'd spend hours on it. I could see him having some of the same experiences I had growing up.

Except he didn't.

After my mom died, life changed. Then my dad got sick. We were busy. Jensen was busy doing the million other things Jensen does. And although he thought having a mini bike was incredibly cool, he really didn't ride it very much.

So, when someone rolled it away during our garage sale this weekend, I felt this surprising wave of sadness.

I kept thinking, He should have ridden that more. He missed out. I wish he had that experience.

And then I realized something.

I wasn't sad about the minibike. I had written a version of Jensen's childhood in my head, probably years ago, without ever realizing I had written it.

In my version, he rode the minibike around his Nana and Papa's property and had the same kind of fun I remembered having riding around the same big yard in what was my Grandma and Poppa’s yard when I was a kid!

It was a good story. It just wasn't his story.

He loved having a minibike. He thought it was awesome. He'll probably remember it forever. Meanwhile, his childhood filled up with a thousand other experiences I never could have scripted when we bought that bike.

And how often do we do this?

We don't just have goals. We quietly write scripts.

I thought I'd be starting by now. I thought we'd win more games. I thought recruiting would look different. I thought college athletics would feel different. I thought she'd be further along by now.

This is how my season is going to go. This is how much I'm going to play. This is where

I'm going to hit in the lineup. This is what my senior year will look like. This is where I'm going to go to college. This is how my career will unfold. This is what our team will accomplish.

We compare reality to the version we had already created in our minds.

Then reality shows up with absolutely no interest in following our script…and we're disappointed…sometimes devastated.

But here's a question we don't ask nearly enough. Is this actually wrong, or is it simply different from what I expected?

Those aren't the same thing.

Psychologists call one version of this counterfactual thinking. It’s comparing what actually happened with what could or should have happened.

Researcher Neal Roese has spent decades studying these “if only” and “what if” thoughts. They aren't inherently bad. In fact, thinking about what could have gone differently can help us learn, adjust and make better decisions in the future.

But there's a catch.

We can become so attached to the alternative story that we stop seeing the value in the one we're actually living.

That's where this gets important for performance.

An athlete thinks, “I should be starting.” Maybe. But you're not today.

“We should have won that game.” Maybe. But you didn't.

“I should have gotten that offer.” Maybe. But you haven't.

The question isn't whether you're allowed to be disappointed. You are. That's important to note!!!!!!

Selling that minibike made me sad. If I’m honest…I’m still a little sad about it. Selling my parents' belongings this weekend was hard. Every table, tool, Christmas decoration and random object seemed to carry a memory with it. I'm not interested in pretending otherwise.

There's a memory with everything. There's an expectation with everything. And all of those things come with emotion. No matter who we are or what we’re doing, if it matters to us, we can’t avoid getting tied up in emotion…big or small!

Mental toughness isn't convincing ourselves that something doesn't hurt.

True mental toughness is being able to experience what we're experiencing without allowing that experience to dictate everything that happens next.

That's closely related to a concept we’ve talked about before, psychological flexibility.

Simply put, it’s the ability to remain open to difficult thoughts and emotions while continuing to behave in ways that move us toward what matters.

It’s managing the frustration, anger, disappointment…and even the excitement of an emotional or pressure-packed situation…and sticking to our plan or staying present enough to pick up the cues that help us move forward.

And research with competitive athletes has linked greater psychological flexibility with better performance and better quality of life.

In other words, I can wish things were different AND deal effectively with what is.

These two things can exist together…and if they do, we’re going to be better!

Maybe that's the skill.

We’re NOT lowering our standards or eliminating expectations. I’m yet to ask someone to lower their standards.

We’re not pretending disappointment doesn't hurt. I’m yet to find someone who pretends something doesn’t hurt while simultaneously being at their best!

Instead, we’re learning to separate the story I expected from the story I'm actually living.

And maybe, before we decide how we feel about what happened, we need to see what actually happened without forcing it to compete with what we thought was supposed to happen.

Because if something is truly wrong, change something.

But if it's simply different, we may need to change the story we're comparing it to.

That's a HUGE distinction.

Then we can ask, “What is still available to me in THIS story?”

Jensen didn't have the minibike experience I imagined for him. But that's not the same as saying he missed childhood. The kid has had experiences I couldn't have imagined at his age!

And strangely enough, the minibike is still part of his story. He owned one. He thought it was awesome and cool (as he used to say 😉). He'll probably tell people about it forever.

In fact, I know he will!

It simply didn't mean what I expected it to mean.

It wasn’t the story I made up in my head…and those stories and reality rarely match! Yet, our expectations are often based on that story that never existed!

Athletes need this skill.

So do coaches, leaders and parents.

Because sometimes we become so busy mourning the season, career, relationship, opportunity or outcome we thought we were supposed to have that we miss what is still possible in the one we've actually been given.

We make an error…and miss out on the next play. We complain about not playing, then slack in our preparation, expecting more of the same the next day…and we aren’t ready when we’re called upon.

We sabotage ourselves because what we thought would happen clouds our ability to evaluate what really happened!

So, this week, when reality doesn't match the picture in your head, try asking these questions.

First, ask, “What did I expect to happen?”

Name the story. Sometimes we don't realize how tightly we're holding onto an

expectation until we actually say it.

Next, ask, “What’s going on in me since reality looks different?”

We’re not running from it, minimizing it or trying to “think positive” our way around it. We are acknowledging it.

Finally, ask, “What is still available to me here?”

That's where we regain our Response-Ability.

Maybe the season isn't unfolding the way we pictured it. Maybe our role changed, we made a mistake or an opportunity disappeared. Maybe something we desperately want simply isn't going to happen.

We don't have to pretend we're happy about it. But we also don't have to spend the rest of our energy arguing with a story that no longer exists. We can honor what we wanted and feel what we feel.

Then…we can turn toward the story that is still being written!

Because there may be far more available to us there than we can see while we’re staring at the one that didn't happen.

This week, I’m going to stop asking, “Why didn't this go the way I thought it would?”

Instead, I’m going to ask:

What did I expect?

What’s going on in me because it’s different?

What is still available to me?

And maybe most importantly: Is this actually wrong or bad…or is it simply different from what I expected?

If it's wrong, change something.

If it's different, maybe I need to stop making what actually happened compete against something that never did.

The truth is, Jensen didn’t get to ride the minibike as much as either of us had hoped…and although this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, sometimes what happens genuinely sucks, and sometimes we can't find a silver lining yet.

But what we can do is remember that there is still a choice about how we engage with what happened and what we do next.

And that Response-Ability can help us write a story we never even imagined!

Maybe THAT is the bigger reminder for me this week.

We spend a lot of time deciding how we think things are supposed to go. Maybe we'd be better served by spending a little more time deciding who we're going to be, however they go.

Different Doesn't Mean Wrong!

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