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Have you seen THIS VIDEO? It’s a great clip from ILoveToWatchYouPlay.org, an organization that shares information for parents of young athletes.
This clip will be front and center in my presentation tonight for the parents of my son’s swim team. One of the best coaches I know turned me on to it last week.
If you know DIII women’s basketball, then you know Coach Cheri Harrer. Her .737 winning percentage says it all. Fortunately for me, I have known Cheri since I was an athlete in college, and I have watched her take a program from the bottom of the OAC to one of the best in the country year after year over the past three decades. So, any time she has something to say, I listen (not sure that was the case in college, but I got smarter 😊)!
I spent the afternoon with the Baldwin-Wallace University coaching staff a few weeks ago and after I had some time to catch up with Cheri and talk with her about a topic we discussed that afternoon and it was perfect timing…because I needed it for tonight.
That topic? Parental influence.
This is where the video comes in. This year, Coach Harrer took a slightly different approach to her preseason parent meeting. She had her athletes answer the questions the little kids answered in the I Love to Watch You Play video.
What do you wish your loved ones would do before, during and after the game?
She shared the results with me, and I am certain the responses would be very similar to the other 600,000 college athletes and 70.0 million kids who participate in sports, no matter the age, sport or division!
What do they want? Not much!
What don’t they want? Advice!
As I started putting my presentation together, I was thinking about how to share these simple facts with my peers. I am not a parenting expert, nor will I ever win “Mom-of-the-Year” awards.
But I have spent some time around athletes and performance (much longer than I have been a mom!) and I know a thing or two about how our brain works related to performance.
So, I am sticking to my sweet spot. I am in no place to tell someone how to parent their child, but I have decided to give them two tools to help their athlete enjoy THEIR (operative word) competitive experience.
In the end, I hope to help them help their child get the most out of his or her experience!
The main focus: what kids want and why, what they say matters and how to give them what they need AND help them succeed.
And we are going to start with EVALUATION.…because how we evaluate matters.
If kids don’t want an evaluation but we or the parents of those we lead can’t help ourselves, what can we do?
We have spent a lot of time in past Tips talking about words, their power and their purpose and strategically choosing the right ones whether using them out loud or in our heads.
Two words that differ and can bring about different results are judgment and evaluation.
Here’s proof kids don’t want either….straight from the horse’s mouth. Before the game they want you to say, “Wish me good luck and play hard.” During the game they want you, “Cheering on whoever is on the floor and enjoying the game no matter my playing time.” And after the game they want you to “Say good game and take me to dinner.”
Notice, no game talk, no advice, no judgment or evaluation.
But we know this is hard to do, so if we can’t get this, what is the next best thing?
The best thing to do is, as ILoveToWatchYouPlay.org suggests is to say, “I love to watch you play.”
Can you do it as a parent? Can the parents of your athletes? Probably not…consistently.
It’s true. Sometimes we need to help others think about what they are doing…as coaches, that’s our job…but we get a ton of “help” from a lot of others that may do more damage than good. So how can we set everyone around us up for success for post-game encounters?
Most post-game conversations go like this, “Why did you…or why didn’t you do…..?”
Danger. Danger. Danger.
Here’s “why”, no pun intended.
When someone asks a “why?” question, our brain goes on alert and, BOOM, our amygdala fires up immediately.
As we talked about last week, this is not an advantage when we are trying to learn…or perform. When we ignite our amygdala our ability to listen, evaluate, solve problems and think critically diminishes. We immediately feel like we need to protect ourselves…and move right into “I don’t know,” “It wasn’t my fault” or some other self-protecting response
Not helpful!
The words we use – shifting from “why” to “what” or “how” may seem insignificant, but research shows it matters!
If “why” implies a judgment, an assigned value: good, bad, enough, not enough, we leave little room for growth.
When we ask “what” or “how” questions, we evaluate, observe, describe, and reflect without attaching worth or assigning value. Instead, this engages the prefrontal cortex, encouraging critical thinking and future-oriented planning.
If we can teach our athletes (and parents) to use one (or both) of these EVALUATION systems, everyone will feel better…learn more…and improve their performance.
Before we get into them, let’s remember that research shows that those who took time to look at lessons learned performed 23% better than those who did not AND reviewing things that went well along with the areas we need to adjust gives us a HUGE competitive advantage!
I’m certainly not suggesting that there’s no room for improvement. I’m suggesting we will get more and be more likely to repeat what went well if we shift from anything that feels like judgment to a set and practiced evaluation.
Tool #1 – Well – Better – How
The tried and true, Well-Better-How, gives us a simple, yet effective framework to ensure we are pulling out what worked FIRST. For my teams, we use the Losada Line – or Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s tipping point, the 3:1 positivity ratio that she says splits flourishing teams from those who languish!
We list three things that are going well or worked…and why. We list one thing…a critical success factor…that we need to do better. And Dr. Zeigler’s “by doing what” rounds it out with one thing we WILL DO to make it better. Keeping a list of these after each practice turns into an EVIDENCE JOURNAL. It is a ready-made list of what we can do and what we do well. It is a measurement of what we have improved and reminds us that we were able to change when we implemented our ideas!!
Tool #2 – The AAR
Our trusty After Action Review is an evaluation, too. It is full of “what” and “how” questions but a bit more specific. 1. What was my intended result? 2. What was my actual result? 3. What caused/contributed to it? 4. What do I need to do the same? 5. What do I need to do differently? 6. How can I ensure I repeat what I need to and change what I identified? 7. What did I learn?
No judgment. Just information. Facts.
I intended to swim a 23.01. I swam a 23.50. Then take it from there with thoughtful responses based on behaviors and choices, not feelings and expectations.
Asking better questions doesn’t just lead to better conversations—it leads to better performance.
Athletes who feel safe to explore their mistakes and successes without fear of judgment are more likely to take ownership of their growth.
The line between support and pressure is as thin as the line between judgment and evaluation.
Although plenty of research exists, we don’t need it to tell us that athletes who feel supported by their parents—rather than pressured—are more likely to enjoy their sport and persist through challenges.
One way to change pressure into support is to EVALUATE…consistently…win, lose, draw…with facts and curiosity…that is if you can’t leave it at “I love to watch you play!”
Manage your thoughts!
Julie
P.S. Let’s build your team’s Mental Performance Operating System! Contact me to find out how!
Send me a text at 234-206-0946 or an email at juliej@ssbperformance.com and schedule a call to see how we can enhance your program’s mental approach!
Julie Jones
Mental Performance Coach
SSB Performance
juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946
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