Change, Challenge, and the Portal: Mindset Moves to Finish the Year Strong

Mindset Made Simple Tip #249 - Watch or listen s

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Let’s be real! This time of year can feel like a mix of all kinds of emotions. We are tired. We are grateful. We are excited to spend time with family. We are sad to see our seniors and others leave us.

And then there’s sometimes a bit of relief, regret, reflection, and…maybe even resentment. You’ve poured your heart into your team. You’ve fought through injuries, late nights, tough losses, tough conversations and maybe, if you’re human, a few personal doubts. And now here you are…evaluation time. Exit interviews. Portal season. And if you're like many coaches I’ve worked with (including my own experience), you’re left sitting with some very real emotions.

It’s normal. And, thus, this seems like a good time to talk tools, mindset and what you can control. 

For YOU, this time, leader!  We don’t have to let the swirl of uncertainty, change and emotion

hijack our peace, our focus or our leadership.

I tend to think of myself as “lucky” for getting out of Division I coaching just before the portal caught fire. It’s not like kids didn’t leave. But there weren’t X pages full of kids who “with much thought and consideration” decided to find a new home.

The truth of it is, for both sides, portal season = emotional season!

The difference is, as I learned in my Positive Team Culture class at Akron this year, this is the new norm for today’s athletes. They don’t know anything different. We do! I never thought of it that way until a student mentioned it in a discussion. And that makes it hard!

Change is hard. We don’t like it. Even if it is going to make us better.

Good or bad, when athletes enter the portal, it can feel personal.  Like a breakup you didn’t see coming. Even if you did see it coming, that doesn’t mean it hurts less. When kids left our program, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I failed them. A national championship coach told me, “When someone leaves, it is a good thing.” I found that to be a hard perspective to swallow at times.

It sounds weird, but what we feel is grief. Yes, grief. Change brings loss, even when we know it’s part of the game.

What helps? Name it to tame it.

Label what you’re feeling, not just “mad” or “frustrated”, but disappointed, sad, guilty, angry, or even relieved. Be specific. And say, “I’m feeling”, not “I am”. You’re not “mad”. Your ________ (your name goes here 😊).

I’ve heard it said that in Ireland, they don’t say “I’m sad”. They say, “Sadness has come upon me”.

Why would they say it that way? I assume it’s because sadness comes upon me, then it leaves me! It is a temporary state. Not a characteristic!

Part of this is semantics, but most of it is science. Neuroscientists Lieberman, et. al., tell us that labeling our emotions reduces amygdala activity, the part of the brain responsible for emotional reactivity, and increases prefrontal cortex activity, our thinking brain.

The bottom line: More thinking brain = better decisions!

Another thing to consider as we move through change is that our complaining brain does not paint a pretty picture! Yes, venting feels good in the moment. But here’s the problem: complaining rewires your brain…literally…to be better at finding what’s wrong.

A Stanford study showed that complaining for just 30 minutes a day can shrink the hippocampus, the part of the brain critical to problem-solving and emotional regulation. As soon as I read that, I thought, “I’m in trouble!”

So, that 15-minute gripe session in the office – many were had in the Stiles Athletics Field House, it might feel like a release, but your brain starts scanning for more reasons to feel bad. That’s not where we want to be. I bet it doesn’t fit with your values or your expectations for yourself or others!

But we know we will complain. So when we do, we can try this. Set a complaint limit. Give yourself 60 seconds to vent, then ask, “What’s one thing I can do to move this forward?” Questions force our brains to look for solutions!!

We can also use a problem/solution board. Draw a line down the middle of a whiteboard or journal page. On the left: problems. On the right: possible solutions. Dr. Ethan Kross’s research shows that if you can move just one thing from the problem side to the solution side within 60 seconds, your brain shifts into action mode instead of rumination mode.

Even if we don’t complain to others, this time of the year forces us to be in constant “story-checking mode”! Are you searching for the one disgruntled commenter in a sea of satisfied kids or do you not know who to trust?

We are story-making machines. When something happens, like an athlete entering the portal, a player not responding in a meeting the way we expected or you just read your end-of-the-year evaluations, our brain automatically creates a narrative to make it all make sense. This is called narrative construction, and it helps us process the world. The problem? We often fill in the blanks with assumptions, and those assumptions are often colored by fear, fatigue or past experiences.

According to Dr. Brené Brown’s research, when we’re under stress, our brains are wired to create narratives that tend to lean negative. It’s a survival mechanism. We look for threats and reasons things might go wrong.

This becomes a mental trap. Here’s an example. Thought: “She’s leaving the program because I failed her.” Next, we get to the emotion: Shame, anger, sadness. We know the next step! Behavior: Withdraw, defensiveness, bitterness. It becomes a self-fulfilling loop.

Dr. Brown suggests that when we feel emotionally hijacked, we say “The story I’m telling myself is….” She calls it the “Name the Story” tool.

Then we ask, what do I know for sure? What assumptions am I making? What else might be true? And what would I say to a friend in this situation? This interrupts automatic thinking and gives your prefrontal cortex a chance to take over — where logic and perspective live. If we don't check the story, the story runs us. But if we take a moment to reframe, rewrite, or zoom out — we take back the pen.

Finally, if we need to get back on track to lead at our best, we can use cognitive reappraisal. This strategy helps reframe a situation to alter our emotional response. Instead of “She transferred because she hated me or her parents didn’t get it…or a million other things that are in our heads,” try, “She’s making the best decision for her growth. That doesn’t negate my effort or the experiences we provided during her time with us.”

Studies show that reappraisal lowers stress, improves mood and leads to more productive behavior. All good for leading!!

No matter if you just came off a winning season or a losing one, there will always be challenges! It’s our job, for our sanity and the good of our program and everyone in it to avoid letting the hard stuff hijack the whole story. No matter how tough the stuff, it doesn’t cancel the great moments you had this year. They coexist.

Take 60 seconds to acknowledge what’s hard. Then take 60 more to find your next solution. And take 60 more to tell a different story.

Change is hard. We don’t like it. But the only way to get better is to go through it!

Manage the moments!

Julie

P.S. Thinking about next year? Let’s work together. Shoot me an email or text – juliej@ssbperformance.com or 234-206-0946 We can build a program that fits your team!

Julie Jones

Mental Performance Coach

SSB Performance

www.ssbperformance.com

juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946