I still think in softball coaches' terms, so in my mind, we’re amid the fall non-tradition competition season. But some of you are in the thick of it with lineups drawn, win streaks running, and for some of you in business, it’s put up or shut up time.
Whether you're a coach, athlete, or business leader, we all face the same challenge, no matter the season: managing those who aren’t happy when things don’t go their way. A player doesn’t get the starting role, a salesperson misses their quota, or a star’s performance falters. It’s frustrating—and these frustrations don’t happen in a vacuum. Blame, shame, dissonance, and self-justification are common reactions.
When things don’t go as planned or contradict how we see the world, we run into dissonance, which is uncomfortable!
To ease that discomfort, we often slip into self-justification, rationalizing the situation to protect our self-esteem. For example: "The coach is out to get me," or "Practices aren’t preparing me."
Come on! Don’t act like you’ve never been there! How do I know you have? Because I have, too! It’s part of who we are…and sometimes it can be a good thing.
Sometimes, like after you purchase a car (like we just did), it allows you to sleep at night. You justify why you didn’t buy the Mercedes you really wanted and are happy with the beautiful car sitting in your garage. You think about all the amazing features your car has…that make it better anyway!
But when it doesn’t help us is when the bad guys in the scenarios (the coach, the boss, the trainer, our teammates) above get increasingly worse as we recruit others into our way of thinking to protect ourselves!
So, what can you do when self-justification is damaging communication and performance?
Actually, Ben Franklin does!
Enter the “Ben Franklin Effect”.
In his autobiography, Franklin shared a clever strategy he used to turn an adversary into an ally. Franklin had an opponent in the Pennsylvania legislature who was openly hostile toward him. Instead of trying to win him over through argument or confrontation, Franklin decided to try a different approach.
It was a genius move and still proves effective today, much like my bifocals and my son’s swim fins (both his ideas, too!)
He knew his adversary had a rare and valuable book, so Franklin sent him a note asking if he could borrow it. Even though the man was not a Franklin fan, flattered by the request, he lent Franklin the book. After a week, Franklin returned it with a thank-you note expressing his gratitude.
Following this small interaction, Franklin noticed that his adversary's attitude toward him shifted.
The man, who had once been unfriendly, became cordial and even supportive.
Franklin believed that by asking a favor, he subtly encouraged the other person to justify the action. In other words, the man had to resolve the cognitive dissonance of lending a book to someone he supposedly disliked by reframing his view of Franklin in a more favorable light.
Cognitive dissonance researcher, Elliott Aronson (co-author of Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me) says the "Ben Franklin Effect"—the idea that asking someone to do you a favor can lead them to like you more—is all about resolving dissonance!
When someone does a favor for another person, especially someone they aren’t particularly close with, have made out to be the bad guy or simply dislike, they experience dissonance between their action (doing a favor) and their feelings (disliking or being neutral toward that person).
Once someone does a favor for you, he is more likely to continue to like you or treat you positively!! It helps reduce the need for self-justification and transforms negative or uncomfortable feelings into a stronger bond through shared, constructive efforts.
Someone mad at you or not fond of you (for whatever reason) does you a favor at your asking and all of a sudden, you’re buds?
Crazy, isn’t it?
You can use this same effect to bridge gaps created by frustrations or unmet expectations. Create opportunities for athletes to contribute beyond their expectations—this can lead them to view the situation differently. The athlete who thought, “The coach is unfair,” might start to think, “The coach trusts me enough to ask for my help.”
If the “BF Effect” rings true, creating opportunities for athletes to contribute beyond their expectations, especially when they think they are out of your good graces, can lead them to view the situation differently. The athlete who thought, “The coach is unfair,” might start to think, “The coach trusts me enough to ask for my help.”
This subtle shift in perspective can ease the discomfort caused by their initial dissonance, leading to improved communication and cooperation.
And since the coach-athlete relationship is fundamental to team culture and performance, by using the “BF Effect”, coaches can intentionally create moments of connection, even with athletes who feel alienated or disappointed. These moments, grounded in small acts of cooperation, build rapport and reduce the athlete's internal need to create distance from the coach, which would otherwise exacerbate dissonance.
This strategy also works upward—need to win over someone in your chain of command? Ask them for help, share a challenge, or ask for advice. Enlisting their help you not only helps you…but it can shift their perspective on what is going on in your program.
Can they give a short talk on how they have overcome obstacles? Or can they share a book with you that has helped them navigate challenges?
There are lots of layers to this.
Asking for help shows you need help, you don’t know it all or can’t do it all. And as Brene Brown says, vulnerability is vital to strong leadership! It shows you're human!
It shows trust. It shows you see the value of what someone else has or can do and you think what they have will help you! That’s a compliment!
It allows you to show gratitude. As Ben Franklin did, if you're genuine, you’ll follow up with a “thank you”!
It forces communication which is usually fleeting during frustration. It requires follow-up. It increases connection!
The bottom line is that doing a favor can reverse negative feelings because the person performing the favor aligns their actions with a more positive perception of the recipient. In Franklin’s words, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."
The next time you face tension in any season, try creating positive interactions that shift how others view your relationship. It’s a powerful way to manage dissonance, build stronger connections, and improve team dynamics.
And that’s a win in any book!
Manage the moments!
Julie
P.S. Include mental training in your workouts. Contact me to find out how!
Send me a text at 234-206-0946 or an email at juliej@ssbperformance.com and schedule a call to see how we can enhance your program’s mental approach!
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