Sticks, Stones and the Power of Words! What If Everyone Spoke Like Me?
- Julie Jones
- Sep 29
- 5 min read
Check out this week's Game Changers: Athlete Edition episode, where Kortney and I ask the question, "Confidence or comparison—which one are you leaning on in competition?" as we talk through the difference and why it matters! iHeartRadio ApplePodcasts Youtube Podbean Spotify
I’m concerned.
I’m concerned about the language our leaders, our fans and everyday people are using in this country.
Why? Because words matter.
Every day, it feels like we wake up to new lows in leadership language. Just this week, American fans at the Ryder Cup taunted European players relentlessly, even throwing drinks at family members. At a golf tournament, no less! So much for course etiquette.
But this isn’t new. Last week in my Organizational Behavior in Sport Management class at UA, we revisited the 2016 video #MoreThanMean. If you haven’t seen it, it features men reading aloud the actual tweets that sports reporters Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro received online. At first, the comments sound like typical internet negativity…but then they get personal, vulgar and deeply cruel. The men reading them can hardly finish. They’re visibly uncomfortable delivering the words, even though these are the very words women in sports are forced to absorb daily.
The point was clear then, and it’s even clearer now: language has power. It can elevate, encourage and unite. Or it can degrade, divide and destroy.
Last week we asked, “If everyone I lead copied me, would I be proud or concerned?” We talked about effort, bounce-back, preparation and habits.
This week, let’s apply that same question to something just as powerful: our words.
Here’s the question: if everyone spoke the way I do — about teammates, opponents, referees, colleagues or myself — would I be proud or concerned?
As we are learning as we watch the news and listen to dialogue in our culture, language can either elevate culture or erode it. It’s that simple.
Research on incivility shows that even small negative comments can cut performance, reduce focus and damage collaboration (Porath & Pearson, 2013). And our favorite Harvard professor, Amy Edmondson’s work reminds us that teams mirror their leader’s tone. If I model sarcasm, blame or disrespect, others will too.
You don’t have to look far to witness this. Even though I didn’t always use A-game language, I understood that how we spoke to our team would be how they would speak to each other. In fact, we went through a time where sarcasm reigned supreme…and that wasn’t helpful or fun!
Because here’s the kicker: our words don’t just describe our environment, they shape it.
A few weeks ago, we touched on the trap of comparison. When I compare myself to others, I often end up tearing them down to feel better about myself. It’s human, but it’s dangerous.
And when I use comparison as a coaching tool, it is one of the quickest ways we can unintentionally damage performance. When athletes are constantly compared to others, they shift their focus away from their own controllables and into doubt, frustration or jealousy. Instead of building confidence, comparison corrodes it.
The same goes for our language — when our words cut people down or pit them against each other, we don’t get more out of them. We get less. Even using language like “I hate my opponents” gives our opponents a piece of our focus…and ultimately power. As Dr. Amishi Jha says in Peak
Mind, we have ONE flashlight (our attention). Why would we want to shine it on them?
Strong leaders (and people) don’t build themselves up by knocking others down. They set standards with their own actions and their own words. When I think of this, my thoughts immediately go to words some thought spoken by St. Francis of Assisi and others attributed to
Martin Luther…. but either way, they are appropriate here, “Preach the Gospel and use words if necessary.”
If everyone copied my tone, or what if my internal language was running along the ticker on the screen as the game is being played, would this culture feel like encouragement or comparison?
Here’s the high-performance link. Peak performance = energy spent on execution, not on drama. In other words, ACTION-DISTRACTION= PEAK PERFORMANCE!
When we use negative words that degrade others…or negative self-talk that, in effect, degrades us directly, we pull the team and ourselves into distraction, defensiveness and wasted energy.
When we elevate others, we free the team to focus, collaborate and perform.
The bottom line: Strong leaders/people build strong teams; insecure leaders/people tear others down.
Think about the language you use when you feel confident…and when you don’t.
Does our language change based on how we feel about our circumstances? I’m pretty sure mine does at times!
And even though I’m not a huge fan of the word “triggers”, we need to understand what throws us off our game and into the land of negative leadership language…even if, in the moment, we are only leading ourselves!
That’s when we need a plan to choose our language…on purpose!
Trevor Moawad reminded us that neutral thinking…which leads to the language we choose, is a performance superpower. “Neutral” doesn’t mean emotionlessness. It means speaking and acting in ways that serve the mission, not the drama.
Neutral language sounds like, “That’s what happened. Here’s what’s next.”
As opposed to non-neutral language, which sounds like, “We’re terrible. I can’t believe you messed that up.”
One fuels focus and confidence. The other fuels doubt and defensiveness.
So, back to another week of uncomfortable questions! If everyone copied my words this week, would I be proud or concerned? Do my words elevate culture or erode it? Am I spending my energy on execution or on drama?
The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” might have been useful when our moms wanted us to brush off playground insults. But as leaders, we know better. We aren’t breaking bones with our words. We’re shaping cultures, influencing confidence and either fueling or draining performance.
Words don’t just bounce off; they stick to others and to us, they spread and they set the tone for our performance and for everyone watching and listening. The best leaders understand this and choose their words, both internal and external, with the same discipline they bring to their preparation and performance.
So, ask yourself this week: If everyone spoke the way I do, would I be proud or concerned?
Manage the moments!
Julie
P.S. Add a 3-session mental lab into your fall season. Reach out and let’s build the perfect one for you! Shoot me an email or text – juliej@ssbperformance.com or 234-206-0946
Julie Jones
Mental Performance Coach
SSB Performance
juliej@ssbperformance.com • 234-206-0946